Expectations & Assumptions
In the last blog, I talked about managing grief during the holiday season. Now I want to focus on expectations and assumptions during this season. I talked a little bit about expectations in my second YouTube video. Yes, I finally did it! It was hard but...WE CAN DO HARD THINGS!!
Check out my YouTube channel
www.youtube.com/@darshadclarktherapist
Of course, because I’m so passionate about mental health, the channel will be all about taking care of ourselves. Squirrel moment, back to expectations…
Expectations. Pause, think about your expectations for this season. Not just the holidays but for the next few months. People have so many expectations spoken and unspoken. They place expectations on themselves that often cause unnecessary pressure. They expect plans to be executed perfectly. They expect experiences to be all sunshine and rainbows. Too often, expectations are placed on people that are unrealistic and unfair. Dare I say, the expectations can be hypocritical. Worst yet, sometimes people don’t know about the expectations others have of them. For some strange reason people assume or just expect people to know the expectations. I don’t want anyone to be misguided in their expectations over the next few months.
STRATEGY TIME!
Write down 2 expectations:
1. For yourself and ask this question:
Why do I have these expectations of myself?
2. Of people and ask these questions:
Why do I have these expectations?
Did I tell the person about the expectations?
3. Now through January and ask these questions:
Why do I have these expectations?
Have I considered factors that might cause unmet expectations?
4. Upcoming activity/event (e.g., party, dinner, gift exchange) and ask these questions:
Why do I have these expectations?
Can I still enjoy it if some expectations are not met?
If you discover that some of your expectations are unspoken, unrealistic, unfair, hypocritical, or cause unnecessary pressure, then it might be time to adjust your expectations or have a conversation about the expectations. The problem with these types of expectations is that they often lead to disappointment, and then people are surprised by the disappointment. Disappointment can easily lead to irritation, resentment, and anger and cause strain in relationships. You can start to view yourself as a failure or not enough, which can lead to feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and ashamed. Why do this to yourself and others? Don’t set yourself and others up for failure by these types of expectations. Think about the conversations you need to have about expectations and how you can adjust expectations to decrease the negative impact if they are not met. SPOILER ALERT: Our expectations will not always be met.
***This is too important for me not to reiterate. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known someone or the level of closeness in the relationship You Are Not A Mind Reader and Neither Are They.***
In the October 20th blog, I introduced two Cognitive Distortions – Mental Filtering and Discounting the Positive. Since we are talking about expectations, it’s a great time to introduce another Cognitive Distortion - Mind Reading. For review, a Cognitive Distortion is a way of thinking that is irrational and unhelpful that influences how circumstances and situations are perceived. Often, they negatively impact behavior and mood.
Mindreading is when you assume you know what people are thinking and feeling, but you have NO FACTS or EVIDENCE for your assumption. Yet, you allow your behavior to be guided by these assumptions. Now let’s tie this to the holiday season.
Consider these examples:
I didn’t get invited to my co-worker's, Christmas party. They didn’t invite me because they don’t like me. I’ll stop being their friend.
Consider the impact of the assumption: You stop talking to your co-worker, you no longer go to lunch with them, and you start talking badly about them to another co-worker. Pause. It would be wise to ask your co-worker why you didn’t receive an invitation. Please stop using time and energy on an assumption and potentially damaging a relationship. There are so many possible reasons for not receiving an invitation, likely it has nothing to do with not liking you. Just ask.
My family wants me to come to the family holiday movie night. They think I should just forget about my grief and move on.
Consider this alternative perspective: Your family sees you are struggling and they want to support you. They are unsure how. They know you have been isolating and the season is going to be painful. They invited you to be with the family so they can show you extra love and care without any expectations of how you will behave. How might you respond differently? How might your perception of your family change?
My friend didn’t buy me an expensive gift. Now, I know they don’t value our friendship as much as I do. I will never buy her anything again. Not even a bottle of water.
Consider these alternative reasons: they don’t have the financial means, they set a boundary on spending this year, they don’t know your expectation, they don’t show their love and appreciation through gift giving. Here is another great opportunity to have a conversation to gain the facts instead of making assumptions. The conversation can be more than about gift giving. You and your friend can verbally communicate expectations and implement boundaries in your friendship.
My kid is looking at all these toys. I know they want them all. I feel terrible. They are going to think I’m a bad dad who doesn’t care about what they want or their feelings.
Consider this a teaching moment: Maybe your kid is just a kid and enjoys looking at all the ads. Yes, they might want them all, but do you know if they expect you to buy them all? Talk with your kid to help manage their expectations and explain what makes you a good dad. Secret: it’s not based on buying all the toys.
STRATEGY TIME!
1. Identify a situation where your actions and mood are being influenced by Mind Reading
2. Write down all the thoughts (assumptions)
3. Put an X over thoughts that are not based on facts or evidence
4. Write down the remaining and next to each one write down how the thought is a fact
5. If you are unable to objectively and rationally explain how a thought is a fact, then it is an assumption
We have learned that being guided by assumptions and Mind Reading is not helpful. Gather the facts. The easiest way to gather the facts when other people are involved is by asking them questions. (If you don’t believe them, that’s a different conversation for us to have.) How does the situation change if you operate based on facts?
General Tips: Writing thoughts down can help provide clarity. It provides structure and it can help determine if thoughts are logical. It can be helpful to read them out loud. Hearing thoughts out loud can provide a different perspective. I ask people to read their thoughts out loud and after they read them out loud here are a few responses (the kinder versions) I usually hear:
That don't make sense.
I am really exaggerating.
There I go doing it again, being dramatic.
I don't mean it like that.
Ohhh, that sounds so mean.
That's not right.
And my favorite, I don't want to say it out loud. (I always ask, why?)
I hope these tips and strategies help with managing this time of year and even beyond. Be patient and kind to yourself. It takes time to change perspective and adjust behavior. Celebrate the win of admitting a way of thinking or behaving is problematic and being willing to work on it. I know it’s hard work but remember WE CAN DO HARD THINGS!!!
Until Next Time,
Check out my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@darshadclarktherapist and past blogs that you might have missed or would like to review. This is the topic for the latest YouTube video. 
Take Care, Darsha D!