Finding a Friend

Hey everybody. Hope you’ve been enjoying the summer and holidays and have had some extra time to relax. Did you spend some time in self-care activities? I’ve been ripping and running, so I am being intentional about slowing down before the school year begins, which is less than two weeks away. Summer has flown by. Yes, I’m already talking about school beginning, it’s a huge transition in my house, so we are prepping already. With school beginning, children will start the process of making new friends, reconnecting with old friends, and navigating the social aspect of school. For some children that is exciting and for others it might be anxiety producing. Even for some parents it causes some concern about how their children will navigate. Let me ask you, how are you doing in the friend department?

Let’s get to the topic of Finding a Friend. I have many adult clients and family members who have struggled with finding friends and maintaining those relationships. 

These are some of the things I hear about finding friends:

· I don’t have time

· I have too many responsibilities

· I don’t need friends. I have my spouse, kids, and parents

· I don’t know where to meet people

· Even if I find a potential friend it doesn’t move from acquaintance to friendship

· I don’t trust people, I have been hurt too many times

Let me address each one of these. First, I don’t have time for friends; well, we make time to do the things that are important to us. Are you committed to putting the time and effort into creating and maintaining friendships? If the answer is yes; I wonder if the issue that you have is too many responsibilities. I understand having multiple responsibilities and I also know we can add too much to our plate. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Time is a vital commodity.  Maybe you need to start first with streamlining and/or delegating responsibilities and tasks. Yes, I agree, attending children’s events, volunteering, participating in church activities, and assisting parents, are all important and can be meaningful. My question is how do you decrease the amount of time you spend in some of these activities? Is it necessary to be involved in three volunteer projects? If you focused completely on one volunteer project, then you would free up time for creating friendships. We don’t need to do everything at one time; timing is everything. If it is a busy time for your children participating in sports, then can you decrease some other activities to have time to create friendships? BALANCE IS EVERYTHING. 

I don’t need friends; I have my spouse, kids, and parents. It's important for your kids, parents, and spouse to have friends as well. In marriage it is important to spend time away from your spouse and have some of your own interests and maybe those interests are done with a friend. Think about what you might want to do or talk about, will you be comfortable or enjoy doing this with your children or parents? It is important to have boundaries in all relationships. If you’re frustrated with your spouse, do you want to share that with your children or parents? Think about the position you put your children and parents in by doing this. Do you have some interests that your family has no desire to participate in with you? Cue a friend; friends often share some common interests. No one in my household enjoys a long walk like I do. If they come with me, it’s not the same experience I would have if I was with my walking buddy. I love my family, and I also want to have some time away from them and enjoy time with friends who enjoy my interests.

I understand as adults it can be so daunting to figure out where to meet people. If you have young children, you might start to get to know the parents of your children’s friends. Maybe get to know parents who have children participating in the same activities as your own children. If you don’t have young children or you have already determined that the other parents are not an option, think about activities you participate in and places you go. People engaged in similar activities or who have similar interests are possible friends. The point is to consider who might be a potential friend. It’s possible that a neighbor or someone in your community is a potential friend. As an adult it can sometimes take more intentionality to create friendships than it did a few or a lot of years ago in school. Which leads to the next hurdle of turning an acquaintance into a friend; it needs to be intentional. Take the first step to initiate conversations or move them beyond a general greeting. Invite someone to your favorite restaurant or ask to exchange numbers. If you are bold enough ask them if they want to be friends or tell them you are looking for a friend. I know it might sound weird, but many people are looking for the same thing – camaraderie – and would welcome the invitation to become friends.

I know someone out there had a reaction to being vulnerable and using honest communication to express a need for friendship. But guess what? Healthy relationships (of all kinds) require some level of vulnerability. It’s not a bad thing; it’s a human thing. What’s the worst-case scenario if someone says, “I don’t have time” to cultivate a new friendship? It might be uncomfortable at first, but now you know there is no need to exert any more time or energy into attempting to cultivate a friendship with that person and you move on. It’s their loss they could have had a great friendship with you. Remember you bring value to relationships. Just because you are the one attempting to cultivate friendships, it does not mean you are any less. You are simply doing what humans were created to do – MAKE CONNECTIONS. Which leads to the last point of trust and being hurt. These are absolute risks to developing relationships and nothing is gained if you don’t try. Reflect and be honest, do the potential gains outweigh the risks? Please don’t allow past experiences to keep you stuck and prevent you from benefiting from healthy relationships with others. There are some ways to manage potential risks in new relationships, and one way is through boundaries. I will be sharing a whole post on boundaries in all relationships. But for now, think about what boundaries need to be in place to help you navigate the risks of a new friendship. One major factor to think about is the stage of the friendship. For example, if the relationship is in the beginning phase of meeting up to participate in an activity or meeting for coffee, then hold off on sharing your “deep dark secrets” until you have ascertained that the person has demonstrated themselves to be trustworthy.

I know this is a lot and as I’m writing this I realize…TO BE CONTINUED.

Intentionally building healthy relationships is work, but well worth it. It can be hard at times but remember WE CAN DO HARD THINGS. Please let me know if there are specific questions about friendship building. If I receive enough questions, I will dedicate an entire blog to answering the questions.

Until next time, Take Care Darsha D!