FRIENDS Pt 2...GUESS WHAT???!!

Hey ya’ll, I am soooo very excited about this blog. But first let me tell ya’ll August is my birthday month, and my next blog was supposed to be about birthdays and celebrations, but something happened. I’ll try to get a birthday blog written before August ends. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to all my fellow birthday month shares. Have fun; I know I am!  

Now let me tell ya’ll what happened since I wrote the last blog, “Finding a Friend”…I GAINED A NEW FRIEND!!! It was unexpected, but it was not accidental. It was very intentional. Now if you haven’t read the last blog, please go back to read it so you can have some context for this blog. I did say there would be a part 2 but I did not know that part 2 would include me gaining a new friend. Maybe this topic is going to be a sequel of 3!

If you don’t know me yet, please know that I am serious about relationships. My clients will tell you if they say they don’t need anyone we will definitely spend time in sessions exploring the statement. Remember we are humans, and we were created for connection and thrive from connection. There are so many benefits from having healthy relationships.

I was talking to my middle school daughter about creating and maintaining friendships and the importance of friendships. Now I know she is a therapist’s child, but I must give her credit, she gave many good reasons for having friends.

Here’s a list of some of the reasons we talked about: 

· Someone who can provide emotional support in good and bad times

· Sometimes a friend makes an event or activity more enjoyable

· Friends can remind you of your goals

· They can help you talk through dilemmas and concerns

· Friends are great accountability partners

· You can learn from friends

· They help provide a sense of belonging and camaraderie

· They see things in you that you don’t see – good and bad

I encourage you to make your own list of the benefits of friendships. Consider if your current friendship circle meets your needs. But before we get derailed, no healthy relationship is transactional. We go to the store for transactions. However, a relationship should be reciprocal. If it feels heavy or lopsided think about what needs to change. Have you expressed to your friend what you need and want from the friendship? If you been honest and clear about what you need and want and the person is unable to provide what you need and want, then it’s time to make some decisions about the friendship. Have you established boundaries and expectations? I know, I know I keep talking about boundaries. They are important. Boundaries protect you and the relationship. Eventually, I am going to devote an entire blog to boundaries…just not yet. Think about boundaries that need to be discussed and implemented in the early stages of friendship.

Friendship requires effort and sometimes it can feel hard. Beginning friendships can feel difficult because you are just learning about each other and there are a lot of unknowns. On the other hand, the beginning can be fun and exciting for some people. Other people have difficulty with longevity in friendships due to experiences and transitions that can impact and alter them. Many life changes, such as parenthood, moving across the country, marital status changes, job promotion or job loss can have significant impact on individuals, which can directly affect friendships. It might be hard to navigate those transitions and maintain friendships. It may feel too hard to navigate the friendship when the friend is having life transitions that are significantly impacting their life and now, they are showing up differently in the friendship. Decide if the friendship is worth it. If it is not, remember some friendships have ending points and that does not necessarily mean something went wrong. The friendship just might have run its course. Some friends turn into family and are with us for a lifetime and other friendships are seasonal. It’s our job to determine the type of friend so we don’t become disturbed by trying to force the friendship into something it was never meant to be.

We can spend so much time, energy, and effort on our romantic relationships and it causes us to forget about our friendships. Consider maybe that is why some friendships have gone wrong. Take the time to get to know a potential friend and figure out if the person is right for you. Be honest with yourself and them.

Typically, in childhood you had one or two best friends and that was sufficient, well, I want you to be open to thinking a little differently about friendships as an adult. As we become older our interests develop, responsibilities increase, and roles change or multiply. It can be difficult to find one person who meets all your needs for a friend. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a few friends for specific needs. For example, one friendship might be focused on parenthood, while another is based on your career and future professional aspirations, and still there might be another friend who is your workout buddy, and lastly you might have a friend who you have those very intimate, vulnerable conversations with. These friendships are very different, but they all meet a need. Just because the friendships are different it does not minimize their value. Imagine if you reframed how you view friendships, would friendship development feel slightly easier? Let’s make sure our expectations of friendships are realistic. If I don’t trust my workout buddy with my deep dark secrets I shouldn’t share them, but I can still enjoy spending time with them improving my fitness. Have you had a skewed view of friendships?

As time passes friendships can change and friends can change roles. When I got married, a friend who had many years of successful marriage became more of a marriage mentor to me and I brought my marriage concerns to her. I realized that my single friends couldn’t guide me like she could. When I became a mother, I began to spend more time with friends with families and began to rely on them in a way I hadn’t previously. Friendships can change, it doesn’t necessarily mean they need to end. Maybe just some adjustments need to be made. Life is full of changes, and it can be uncomfortable, but change is inevitable.

Let’s wrap this up! I am a mental health therapist, and I believe in therapy. I use the skills and strategies I teach and practice with my clients. Guess what? My new friend and I “did the things” in my last blog.

1) We shared what we needed and wanted in a friendship

2) We were vulnerable

3) I actually asked her to be my friend HAHA (My young child thought it was so odd)

4) We were honest in our communication, and we clarified our communication

5) We were intentional about moving from acquaintances to friends

6) We met in a group based on shared beliefs and experiences

7) We both made time to learn about each other and to connect with each other

HEY FRIEND!!!

I realize that being vulnerable and honest with someone can be scary and worrisome. Yes, it takes effort, time and energy to cultivate and maintain friendships. And it can be downright hard sometimes for various reasons, but you know what…WE CAN DO HARD THINGS! Let’s keep talking about this…

Until next time Take Care, Darsha D!