Grief - The hardest thing ever!!!

I heard ya'll...we need to talk about grief. Thank you everyone for sharing what you need. I hope this helps. (There might be a part 2). I know so many people personally and professionally who are currently going through the grief process. As some of you know, my father died in November 2024. I have had other significant loved ones die and the grief has been different every time. I’ve had many clients in therapy due to grief, and I worked differently with each client. The number one thing that I say about grief – IT’S UNPREDICTABLE. I’ve heard grief described as being inside a pinball machine and you’re the ball. That is a perfect description.  You never know what to expect from one day to the next or from one hour to the next. Or you expect to have a good day, and it ends up being one of the worse days. THIS IS NORMAL! During a session with a client who was experiencing anticipatory grief, I said, “We have to stop letting our misconceptions about grief keep us from grieving.” They told me to put it in the blog. So, there it is, please take heed. Let me give you some context, I often hear people say if I start crying, I won’t be able to stop. Well, that’s not true. Imagine the movie scenes where someone is in the shower crying and they slide down the shower wall. Please believe it will not take you long to get out of that shower. People tell me they rather not experience the pain, so they stuff and avoid. Please beware the pain will eventually rear its ugly head and have negative impacts. It’s not a question of if, it’s a question of when.

Remember television is for entertainment. Of course, everyone is happy and laughing after the funeral services, but typically what is not shown is 1 month, 6 months, a year later in a realistic way. Many workplaces expect employees to take their 3 bereavement days, maybe 5 if travel is required and then return to work and function like nothing has happened.  Additionally, there are important life decisions to make, days and weeks after your loved one has died. Funeral arrangements need to be made, communicating with life insurance companies are required, and managing the loved one’s possessions, credit cards, bank accounts, and a car. The list goes on. It is wise to try to delay making any big decisions in the beginning, because decision making can be greatly impacted by grief. Emotional decisions can be made that might not be able to be changed and have a significant impact. Expectations of people grieving are not realistic and that’s why so many people struggle with meeting them.  

Here are some things to remember about grief:

* It’s unpredictable  

* It’s not linear

* You can’t prepare for it  

* Everyone grieves differently

* Give yourself and others grace  

There are so many unpredictable grief moments. One day talking about your loved one brings a smile to your face then the next day you find yourself sobbing. These responses sometimes seemingly happen for no apparent reason; well, the reason is you are grieving. A holiday, a birthday, an anniversary, a special song, a favorite place, a picture, a possession, a memory are all things that can cause tears and sadness. Sometimes they won’t. There is a misconception that once you get “past all the firsts” then it’s easier after it…maybe not. People can struggle with some of these things years after the death of a loved one. Remember grief is like being the ball in a pinball machine…like being on a rollercoaster with high highs sudden fast drops and jerked around and upside down.

Grief is not linear. I’m going to say this again, grief is not linear. Many people expect to progress or “get better” day after day. And because people have this expectation, they are surprised that after two weeks of good days they have five horrible days, and it seems like they are starting all over, AGAIN. Grief doesn’t make sense. And if you don’t remember that you will think something is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you; you are grieving. There is no time limit or timeline on grief. Do the best you can; be patient with yourself. Give yourself some grace. This is something you have never experienced. You might have experienced death before but not this person. People can experience grief differently for different people due to the relationship, the dynamics, stage of life or what’s going on in their life at the time, and many other factors.

Everyone grieves differently. Some people might openly express their grief through tears and communicating feelings. Other people, might grieve privately, and may seem to be “fine.” Yet, other people might throw themselves into their work and tasks or by intellectualizing. Intellectualization is when someone focuses on logic and reasoning; it keeps them from feeling the pain and experiencing a myriad of feelings that come with grief. Initially, intellectualization might be helpful, but long-term it prevents you from working through your grief and healing. Some people and family members become upset with how someone is grieving, please don’t judge. You really don’t know how they feel. Ask them, they might tell you.

Statements to avoid:

• They're in a better place. (They're not with me and I miss them)
• He lived a long life. (So, I'm supposed to be okay??)
• Well, they’re not in pain anymore. You didn't want them to suffer anymore. (I know that!)
• She had a good life. (What does that have to do with me missing them?)
• At least you had time to say goodbye. (Umm they're still gone and I'm heartbroken!)
• It could be worse. (I don't know what's worse than the death of a loved one??!!??)
• At least, you had a mother. Some people don’t. (Key point - had - past tense!!)
• It’s time to move on. (Please don't put a timeline on my grief)
• Now you have closure. (You close on a house!)

While these statements might be true and well intentioned, they can be offensive to a griever. Regardless of the truthfulness of the statements, the griever is still missing the presences of their loved one and anticipating moments they will not be able to share with their loved one. Of course, this is not an exhaustive list, and some of these statements might not bother some people. However, I suggest you avoid them because I hear complaints and anger from people who are grieving who have heard these statements. I’m a therapist and I understand people struggle with knowing how to provide comfort and express care, but I have been offended and angry by some of these statements. It can feel dismissive and diminishing. I encourage the grieving person to try to give people grace during this time. Most often, people are concerned and want to say something encouraging but they don’t know what to say so they say one of the above statements. Consider saying something simple like, I’m sorry. My condolences. I’m here for you. If they are a person of faith, it might be appropriate to tell them you are praying for them and their family.  

It's very difficult to give general suggestions on how to support someone who is grieving because everyone is different and relationships vary.

Here are some potential things you can do: 

Text, call, visit, send a note or card.

Offer assistance with a task, like cooking, cleaning, running errands.

Help with decisions that need to be made days and weeks after the loved one’s death.

Pray for or with them.

Ask to help with contacting family members and friends.

Don’t underestimate the value of your presence and listening ear. 

Offer to help with other family members (e.g., take a child to school, babysit).

In short, grief is unpredictable and not linear, give yourself grace and give others grace, and accept the support of others. Grieving is one of the hardest if not the hardest thing we do. If you feel like you need more support than friends and family can provide, then please reach out to a therapist. If it seems like a family member or friend is having an extremely difficult time suggest a therapist or a support group. Help is available. You do not have to do this alone. 

REMEMBER WE CAN DO HARD THINGS!!!

UNTIL NEXT TIME TAKE CARE, 

DARSHA D!