Grief in this season...

Did you read the blog, "The Season is Coming," posted October 20th? If you didn’t you might want to go back and read it for some context for this blog. I don’t have the intention to write a blog “series” during the upcoming holiday season, but there are some connections among the next few blogs. In the previous blog, I challenged everyone to pause and think about their thoughts. I described two Cognitive Distortions, Mental Filtering and Discounting the Positive. I explained how they can negatively impact the way we think, feel, and behave  during the upcoming season. The upcoming season I am talking about is basically now until after the new year. Did you do your homework? Did you follow the tips? 

Even if you do not celebrate any of the holidays from now until January, you are still impacted by the season if you live in America. It can be really hard to miss how these upcoming weeks are very different than the rest of the year. For many it’s a time to celebrate and enjoy family and friends. Yet, for many more it is a terribly difficult time of year. Some have difficulty due to loneliness and the death of loved ones. Some struggle due to their religious and cultural beliefs not aligning with rituals and traditions of the season. And there are a group of people who dread the season, because of all the expectations.

I want to talk to the people who are struggling or anticipate struggling due to grief during this upcoming season. I posted a blog, “Grief – The hardest thing ever!!!” on September 14th. If you didn’t read it, please go back and read it, it applies to this season.

A FEW REMINDERS:

***Grief is UNPREDICTABLE. Envision yourself as the ball in a pinball machine and being on a rollercoaster. You never know what to expect and changes can happen quickly.

***The unpredictability is NORMAL.

***Ignoring, denying, stuffing the pain will not make it go away.

***Society and media’s portrayal of the grief process is largely inaccurate and unrealistic.

***Grief is NOT LINEAR. It’s not a step-by-step process; it doesn’t follow stages or a plan.

***Be kind to yourself and give other people grace. Have realistic expectations of yourself and other people.

I am going to be perfectly honest, again, you cannot prepare for grief like you can prepare for an exam or difficult conversation. The GOOD NEWS is that you can have strategies to use while going through the grief process.  I want you to be armed with tools going into this season. And I want to make sure you don’t do anything unhelpful during the season. PLEASE DON'T...

Isolate and avoid relationships

Attempt to numb the pain through substances

Hide or deny your pain

Try to maintain all the previous year’s routines or traditions

Judge other people’s actions

In all my years, I have never spoken to anyone who benefited from isolating from healthy relationships. Maybe instead of isolating and avoiding, place a limit on how much time you will spend with loved ones or away from loved ones. For example, I will spend a couple of hours with family during the weekend, or I will not avoid family for three consecutive days.  

I recognize the appeal of numbing pain, but temporarily numbing the pain, does not make it go away. Typically, when the pain resurfaces it’s worse. For example, alcohol is a depressant. It can negatively impact your mood. Initially, you might feel like the life of the party, but as more alcohol is consumed and more time passes, you will likely become sad, angry, or have some other unwanted feelings. Also, I recommend avoiding substances because, it can lead to dependence. You think grief is hard now, it can become even worse when battling substance dependence simultaneously. 

If you hide your pain from others, you might miss an opportunity to experience compassion and receive support from other people. If you repeatedly tell people, you are okay and you don’t need anything, then they might start to believe you and no longer offer support. Denying your pain prevents you from moving through the grief journey and creating a new normal.

Having unrealistic expectations of yourself during the season can cause feelings of failure when they’re not met. Not meeting unrealistic expectations does not equate to failure. It means that adjustments need to be made. Maybe this year you don’t host all 40 family members at your house, which leads to you doing all the cooking, cleaning, and entertaining. Maybe you accept an invitation to someone else’s home or have a meal with just a few family members. Maybe next year, you will be ready to host the holiday meal or maybe a new tradition will be created.

Grief affects everyone differently, please don’t judge other people. Some people might enjoy the season despite grief, or they may appear to have it all together during the season. Neither are wrong. It’s okay to enjoy life and people while grieving. Sometimes, people feel guilty for enjoying their life and other relationships. My concern is that people never enjoy life again because of grief. What does that life look like? People might have it all together during the family dinner and later that evening feel their lowest. You don’t know the details of someone’s experience, please don’t judge or compare. You could be completely wrong. Use that energy and time to focus on navigating the season.  

I was having a conversation with a family member about the first grief blog, and it clearly demonstrated the fact that everyone grieves differently and the need to give other people grace. My family member expressed frustration with people asking him repeatedly how he was doing after a death. His frustration stemmed from his perception about how people navigate the death of loved ones. As the conversation continued, it was apparent that he would miss his loved one and that he would not demonstrate his grief in a manner that other people expected. He recognized that people who asked about his well-being were attempting to be compassionate even when they didn’t know exactly what to say or do. I am so grateful for that conversation because it was a reminder of how complicated grief is and how I need to continue to pause and listen before I can try to help.

I know it might feel unbearable to envision a future without your loved one. Maybe it's time to consider a therapist, support group, or support from friends. My hope is that you begin to create your new normal, even if your new normal is tailored for this holiday season. Please don’t torture yourself and force yourself to do things that make the season worse. Recently, someone shared that they were trying to force themselves to do all the favorite things that they used to do with their loved one. The experiences were horrible. I suggested trying something different. No one gets extra credit for making their grief journey harder. It’s already hard enough. Doing things differently is not avoidance. It is preservation. It’s creating a new normal. Maybe in the future they will enjoy some of the favorites from the past, or maybe they won’t, but it’s okay.

Please Take Care of yourself and allow others to help you. If you’ve had moments that have been better than others, try to replicate them. When I’m sad, sometimes it helps to be intentional about focusing on the good memories. Sometimes I’m smiling and crying at the same time and that’s okay. Remember We Can Do Hard Things!!! This is my second holiday season without my father and I’m not sure what to expect, but I’m going to use the same strategies I recommend for all of you! I want to plant some type of tree with purple flowers/leaves in my backyard to honor my father. Purple was his favorite color. Will I look at it and become saddened? Sometimes I probably will. Other times, I know I will look at it and smile. Some people might not understand, but that’s okay! What new ritual can you create? How can you honor your loved one?

UNTIL NEXT TIME TAKE CARE,

DARSHA D!