How do you handle change?

What comes to mind when you hear the word change? At least, once a week a client tells me, “I don’t do well with change,” or “I don’t like change.” And when I hear that I know we have some work to do. Change is inevitable and everyone experiences it. Change can be small, subtle, huge, unexpected, or abrupt. Change can occur due to our intentional actions or a consequence of our behavior. Regardless of how the change occurs it can be difficult to adapt. Even positive changes can be difficult to navigate.

Here are some common life changes:

* Career change

* Promotions/Position change

* Retirement

* Parenthood

* Empty nester

* Marital status

* Relocating 

* New roles in family

* Caring for aging parents

* College

* Leaving a childhood home

As I’m thinking of the common life changes, there are some very different feelings and thoughts that come up for me. People experience changes differently. One person might be ecstatic about retirement while another person may experience a deep sense of sadness. Changes in marital status can be a relief or anxiety and stress producing. Often, how we approach change depends on our perspective about the specific change. If an empty nester views this stage of life as a great opportunity to focus less on everyday parenting and regaining some autonomy over daily life, then it will likely be more of a positive experience. In contrast, if the thought of being an empty nester brings up feelings of loss of purpose, then the change could be a very negative experience.

Perspective plays a major role in how change is experience, and here are a few reasons why change is not welcomed: fear of the unknown, requires learning and using new skills, it’s unfamiliar and uncomfortable, and feelings of loss.

This is the thing about unknowns, YOU WILL NEVER KNOW EVERYTHING AND YOU CAN’T CONTROL EVERYTHING. Many people cause themselves more stress by playing the What if game. The game consists of trying to think of every possible scenario and then devising a plan for each scenario. This is problematic because the list of scenarios can be endless, which results in a ridiculous amount of time and energy expended on what ifs. I am not suggesting impulsiveness or poor decision-making.  Ever heard of paralysis by analysis? This means that due to the inordinate amount of time spent thinking about something no action is ever taken. Have you ever missed an opportunity due to thinking about it?

Fear of the unknown can occur because of thinking about the worst-case scenario. The problem with operating based on worst-case scenario is that it never or rarely happens. I spend time with clients helping them determine what is the worst-case scenario. Frequently, they realize that even if the worst-case scenario happened, they would be able to handle it. So why focus on the worst-case scenario? I am not suggesting poor planning or not being realistic about potential problems. If you must consider the worst-case scenario, then think about how you would handle it IF it happens. We have a habit of focusing so much on what we don’t want that we neglect to prepare for what we want.  

I have a passion for learning, so I’m a little biased. I believe that learning and using what you learn creates opportunities for development. I’m talking about more than book knowledge; I’m talking about life skills. Skills that help you navigate life. Gaining a new position requires learning and using new skills. Caring for aging parents might require learning and using skills that weren’t required when parenting children. Learning something new can be intimidating and it can build confidence and make a person more well-rounded. Skills can be learned that help with increasing autonomy and independence to use while attending college or navigating marital status changes. If you value development, I encourage you to think about what you can learn from the change you are experiencing. At first, it might not be apparent but take some time to reflect. It could be that you are learning to be more patient or compassionate with others, enhancing critical thinking skills, or learning transferable skills. What can be learned is endless.

Unfamiliar and uncomfortable do not equate to wrong or bad. Experiences are unfamiliar until you participate in them. Feeling uncomfortable doesn’t feel good, however, I know by repeatedly engaging in the new “thing” it can help decrease the level of discomfort. Things do not become familiar and comfortable by thinking about them, it happens by taking action. Taking a risk requires a different set of skills and mindset than remaining in a familiar, comfortable place in life. There is absolutely nothing wrong with staying in a familiar, comfortable place. I’m challenging staying in the space because of fear, which results in not experiencing something new.

Change has way of creating a feeling of loss. Leaving your childhood home might feel like you are losing the sense of community or losing long-term relationships. Entering parenthood can feel like a loss of identity and freedom. My suggestion is not to focus on what you are losing, but to focus on what you are gaining. I’m not saying ignore the feelings of loss. My hope is that people avoid being consumed with loss; make sure you recognize the good. Don't miss enjoying the present because of being consumed with the past.

Change is not a bad word; it is an opportunity to experience something new. Since change is inevitable, it behooves us to refrain from resisting change but embrace it. What changes have occurred in your life? If you had a different perspective would the experience been different? I challenge you to think about an upcoming change and identify what you can gain. Take the risk of doing something different than what you have always done. Don’t allow fear to keep you from an opportunity. I agree change can be hard but REMEMBER WE CAN DO HARD THINGS!

I never ask clients to do anything I wouldn’t be willing to do. I am also taking a risk. I’m working on something that will cause change in my life. Some of the changes are known, but many are unknown. The hope is that overall, it will be a positive experience. If it doesn’t meet my expectations, it’s a lesson learned. Not a failure. I’ll regroup, apply lessons learned, and try again!

Until Next Time, Take Care,

Darsha D!