Nothing like a good father!
As promised in the Mother’s Day blog, here is a blog for Father’s Day. If you missed the Mother’s Day blog, “Uh-oh, it’s Mother’s Day,” please take some time to read it. I didn't bash moms and I will not bash dads.
Here's my dad with me celebrating my college graduation. My father was the best father that I could ever have and I know he was created for me. This is my first Father’s Day without him. I don’t know what to expect but whatever happens I’ll manage it with the skills and strategies I teach my clients. Yes, I absolutely use what I teach and practice during sessions.
Present, engaging, and loving fathers play a major role in their children’s lives. Just as distant and cold fathers can tremendously affect children’s lives. Society would have us to believe that men, even fathers lack emotions, have an inability to communicate, and are unable to be vulnerable with their children. Yes, there are some men, just like there are some women who have difficulties in these areas. However, I will not fall into stereotypes about men. I’ve had the pleasure of witnessing many men personally and professionally be quite vulnerable and gentle with their children, wives, mothers, and families. These abilities do not make them weak or soft, I argue that these qualities create a great foundation for loving, healthy relationships. I shudder at the thought of only expecting the men in my life to provide and fix things. By the way, I despise those type of Father’s Day cards, but I digress.
Fathers are role models for their sons and daughters. Sons learn how to grow into men and daughters learn how to be treated by men. Fathers have shown that they are able to be stern and strong and also gentle and loving when necessary. I applaud the fathers who have learned the delicate balance, and this balance can be different for every child. Fathers fill a role that no one else can. And before you come for me, I’m talking about fathers and father figures. Just like there is a unique relationship with mothers, the same is true of fathers. I challenge fathers to embrace their role and crush the stereotype that men aren’t needed in their children’s lives. As an adult married woman, I can say my father filled a role that no one else could.
Here's my dad with me at some high school banquet. He always showed up!
It doesn’t matter what society, family, or friends say about your role as a father. What do you say about your role? How do you want to show up for your children? You can be so bold to ask your child what they need from you. Most often, they can tell you what they need or tell you what they don’t need. You and your children can cultivate the relationship that’s wanted, and it might change as time passes. As I reflect on my relationship with my father it definitely changed from when I was a teenager to being a married woman with a family. He was everything I needed him to be in various stages of my life. I didn’t say he was my everything; no one can fill those shoes, nor is anyone responsible for being your everything.
Let me take a moment to talk to children about their relationships with their fathers. It is not the father’s sole responsibility to ensure the relationship is healthy and fulfilling. No matter how much parents think they know everything about their children, they are not mind readers. How will your father know what you want from the relationship if you do not share it with him? I’m not talking about giving hints. I’m talking about being vulnerable, specific, and clear about what you want in your relationship. I hear you saying that’s just not my father, he won’t be willing to do what I ask or need. Have you tried? If you can honestly say you tried, then my suggestion is to figure out what type of relationship you can have with your father. Unfortunately, all children do not have fathers who want to fulfill their role, and no child can force it. I know this can be incredibly painful. If you can’t have the ideal relationship with your father, what are realistic expectations of the relationship? We cause ourselves unnecessary, immense pain when we try to change people and try to make them operate the way we want. Then when they don’t meet expectations, here comes more disappointment.
I challenge radical acceptance. Basically, radical acceptance is about accepting the reality of a situation/relationship and deciding how you will respond accordingly. This does not mean that you like the circumstances or approve of them; it means that you recognize that you can’t change them and you turn your attention and effort to how to operate to avoid increasing the hurt. This might seem easy to do, but it can be quite difficult especially when it’s related to a father-child relationship. If you find yourself, hanging on to expectations of the relationship that have never been met or there is no indication that your expectations might be met and it continues to cause you pain, maybe it’s time to seek out help from a therapist.
Fathers, children, it can sometimes be difficult to navigate the relationship, but I absolutely believe it is worth it. Things might not change overnight, but if it’s important to you, keep working on it. As I’m writing this blog, I am without a doubt missing my father and thinking about all the wonderful memories we’ve made and all the passionate conversations we’ve had over the years. Please don’t miss out on the opportunity to do the same.
Children, I challenge you to celebrate and enjoy your father! If your father has shown up and loved you, show him how much you care and appreciate the relationship. Fathers deserve all the honor that mothers receive on Mother’s Day, please don’t shortchange your father. Don’t shortchange yourself, by not trying to build the relationship you desire with your father. It might be hard to imagine your relationship improving or healing from past hurts, but remember, We Can Do Hard Things. If you realize that you cannot do it on your own, consider seeking out a therapist to help you navigate the place you are in now, gain clarity about where you want to be, and learn skills and strategies to use in your relationship with your father. Be honest about what you want and start working on it.
I cannot, will not end this blog without giving a shout out to father figures who help fill in the gaps. Stepfathers, grandfathers, uncles, godfathers, older brothers, cousins, coaches, mentors, neighbors, teachers, please don’t stop. YOU ARE IMPRESSIVE!!! I can honestly say, I love the men who have committed to filling in the gaps. You are needed. I can’t thank you enough. I know the benefit of men standing in the gap and their role in my life will never be forgotten!
Hey husband, I see you! Words can’t express how much you are appreciated. Baby, you are an irreplaceable part of our family. As daddy would say, “I love you to life!”
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!