The BIG B-WORD – BOUNDARIES. I’m not exactly sure how the negative connotation about boundaries began. I have some thoughts. Years ago, I sat in a training on boundaries, and they were described as a fence. I understand why that analogy was used. However, frequently a fence is meant to keep people and things out. People put up fences to keep kids from walking through their yards and animals using their yards for their “business.” Fences are not bad; they serve a purpose. When my baby girl was a toddler, I appreciated the fence in our yard to help protect her. That's how I want people to think about boundaries. Boundaries are healthy and helpful. 

Boundaries are for protection.

Boundaries protect you and relationships.

Boundaries are not punishment or mean.

Boundaries protect your well-being. They are a form of self-care. Having work life balance is a boundary. Having a set time without interruptions to decompress, relax, or enjoy pleasurable activities is a boundary. Setting a limit on how many activities you will be involved in is a boundary. Putting Do Not Disturb on my phone every night is a boundary.

Saying no to yourself and others is a boundary.

Saying no to yourself can be difficult. Remind yourself of the importance. Darsha, no you cannot take a nap right now, because it will cause me to get behind in responsibilities. Then I will need to stay up late (past my bedtime, which is necessary for my well-being) to complete required, time sensitive tasks. Darsha, no, don't give in to instant gratification. You will be happier when these tasks are complete and you can maintain your routine.

Many people struggle with saying no to other people. Here are a few reasons:

I don’t want to hurt their feelings or disappoint them.

I feel obligated.

They might get mad at me.

Saying no, will cause conflict.  

I’m expected to say yes.

I don’t know how to say no.

The relationship will end or they won’t like me anymore.

If a relationship cannot survive or navigate no, then there is a bigger issue in the relationship. Healthy relationships don’t equate to always saying yes and they can navigate conflict and hurt feelings. HUGE RED FLAG - saying no would damage or end the relationship. Are you being taken advantage of in the relationship? Feel like you can’t say no, ask yourself why. 

Unsure how to say no? My suggestion…No.

Can you pick me up? No.

Can I borrow money? No.

Can I come over? No.

Can you talk? No.

Will you drive? No.

Can you stop doing what you are doing and do what I want you to do? No.

Please don’t be put off by replying with a simple, No. No is a complete sentence. No explanation required. No excuses, justification, apologies, just no. Please avoid giving into pressure to explain your no. When we start to do those things, we set ourselves up to change our no to a yes. You can say no in other ways. Please make sure you are firm and clear when you say no. No room for misinterpretations. We rarely explain when we respond yes. Make that a practice for your no.

All healthy relationships have boundaries. Boundaries protect relationships by decreasing potential damage to the relationship. My Do Not Disturb (DND) is for me and other people in my life. It allows me to have uninterrupted time to unwind before bedtime. If I am interrupted by someone during this time, there is a strong possibility that I will not be my best self. Snappy, inattentive, impatient, irritated, short, sarcastic, rude…yes (I’m human) all of those are possibilities when that time is interrupted. If I act in those ways to people in my life it can cause harm to the relationship. I don’t want that, so I protect myself and the relationship with the DND. What a powerful little tool!

Reflection Time

1. Do you have boundaries in your relationships?

2. How do your boundaries protect you and the relationship?

3. What are potential boundaries and how do they reflect care for yourself?

4. Difficulty saying no? What’s the consequence of saying no?

5. Are you stressed, irritated, overwhelmed, resentful because you say yes too often?

Based on your answers, WHAT IS YOUR NEXT STEP?

Boundaries can be hard but remember ...

We Can Do Hard Things!!!!

Stay tuned in, we find ourselves in another series! Part 2 coming soon. We need to talk about setting and maintaining boundaries, consequences of boundary violations, expressing boundaries and their importance.

Check out YouTube videos Boundaries Part 1 and Boundaries Part 2 – Say No and there will be a Part 3 Boundaries video.

Remember you can follow me on YouTube and Facebook for more mental health tips! Visit my author website to learn more about my book, Adventures in Love, and to subscribe to receive blogs and Thoughtful Notes to your email. Thoughtful Notes are very short “notes” to encourage self-reflection on an array of topics, such as relationships, self-awareness, and mental health and to provide tips to help with living well.

Until Next Time Take Care,

Darsha D!