The Season is Coming!!!

A couple of weeks ago when I was thinking about the next 4 - 6 blogs for the year it dawned on me that I needed to get started talking about this approaching season. Then my baby girl started talking about plans for Halloween and I was reminded about my anniversary. Suddenly, I felt like I was already behind. (By the way, 18 years of marriage!).  Then what solidified my feelings of needing to catch up was the décor changing in the stores and commercials, ads, and television programming changing. So, let’s get started talking about this approaching season.

After the pandemic was kind of over and the holidays approached, I remember wanting to help clients, family, and friends navigate their new normal. Some were happy about the changes and other people were having feelings of nostalgia and loss. The way many people celebrated the holiday season, birthdays, special occasions during the pandemic were very different than years past. Some felt relief because they would not be pulled in so many directions and have so many obligations placed on them. What’s so ironic about holidays, birthdays, and special occasions is that they are intended to be enjoyable, but often they turn into stressful moments that many would rather avoid.

Well, a lot of you probably know where I’m going with this…I have a strong belief in celebrating. We spend so much time focused on what’s not going right that we miss big and small opportunities to celebrate. Two Cognitive Distortions come to mind, Mental Filtering and Discounting the Positive. Remember Cognitive Distortions are ways of thinking that are irrational and unhelpful. These distortions or thoughts influence how we perceive our circumstances, how we behave, and can negatively affect our mood. Mental Filtering focuses on only one part of the situation. In this context, the focus is on the negative part of the situation. Discounting the Positive focuses on dismissing the positive parts of the situation because for some reason the positives don’t count.  

Mental Filtering might occur, if when you think about the season, you only think about the crowds at the stores, extra money spent, ripping and running to attend every event and party, and mental and physical fatigue that occurs due to attempting to meet all the expectations. Discounting the Positive might occur when you have enjoyed being invited and attending a celebration with family, but that doesn’t count because you had to drive through traffic, you had to adjust your schedule, and you had an awkward conversation with a cousin. We miss a lot when we allow Cognitive Distortions to take control.

If you view the season as stressful, money grabbing, commercialized, you might decide to forgo any type of celebration or engage with a negative mood. If your beliefs and values do not align you might experience some pressure to engage in ways that are contradictory to your own values and beliefs, which can feel wrong, so you might isolate yourself from relationships during this time. The good thing is that we are able to determine how we will perceive the season and choose to some degree how we function during the season.

Here's Some Tips:

When you catch yourself engaging in Mental Filtering:

A) Pause and think about your thoughts

B) Write down your thoughts

C) Are your thoughts positive or negative?

D) What are your thoughts based on?

E) Are your thoughts helpful or rational?

F) Write down the positive experiences that occurred

G) Refrain from writing positive but statements (e.g., I arrived on time to the event, but traffic was horrible.) This type of statement brings you back to negativity. It’s not that the statement isn’t true, but it can cause you to get stuck in the negativity loop.

By engaging in this activity, it prevents you from hyper-focusing on parts that are negative or an inconvenience. Side note: it’s not the best practice to allow minor inconveniences to change our mood or make decisions for us. If we’re honest, we probably have inconveniences almost every day. That’s a lot of flip flopping and giving away our control.

When you catch yourself engaging in Discounting the Positive:

A) Pause and think about your thoughts

B) Write down your thoughts

C) Are your thoughts positive or negative?

D) What are your thoughts based on?

E) Are your thoughts helpful or rational?

F) Write down the positive parts of the experience

G) Write down why the positive parts of the experience are important and how you enjoyed them

H) What can you do to remind yourself of the positive experience?

Yes, I actually want you to take the time to write down your thoughts and answer the questions. Writing can help us clarify our thoughts. And many times, once we say something out loud or write it down, we “hear/see” how faulty, irrational, or unhelpful the thoughts are. This can help lead us to shift our thinking and perspective.

By doing this activity, you might realize that there were more positives that you experienced than you noticed. You might find that you really enjoyed yourself, but you weren't present during the experience because you were in your head thinking about negative stuff. I can’t even count how many clients have told me after writing down their thoughts, that they didn’t realize how much negativity was in their head. Many people view themselves as optimistic or a realist, but after engaging in this activity repeatedly, they realize they focus much more on negative thoughts than they had realized.

I am never surprised when clients tell me about all their negative thoughts and then explain how their mood is negatively affected. Well, if my head is full of negative thoughts, I probably would not be in a good mood. Pay attention to what you are thinking. I am not saying act like everything is great BUT REMEMBER EVERYTHING IS NOT BAD! I know this might be a new practice for many and might not seem natural, but We Can Do Hard Things!!! I promise I have seen clients, friends, and family engage in this activity and they have been able to enjoy life so much more. I challenge you not to miss the moments! 

Ya’ll know I’m a therapist and I’m gonna be honest! LIFE CAN BE HARD!!! WE CAN HAVE TERRIBLE EXPERIENCES! If you realize you need support, please don’t hesitate to reach out to a trusted person. Maybe it’s time to find a therapist. It’s never too early to find a therapist. If you expect that the upcoming season might be difficult, for any reason, then please take the time now to get connected with your own personal therapist. Or maybe try out a support group. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T DO IT ALONE!!!     The next several blogs will be focused on how to manage the stress, misalignment, and grief experienced during this season. I challenge you to take some time to be honest with yourself and identify your thoughts and feelings about the upcoming season. Do you have a mixture of positive and negative feelings and thoughts? Are your thoughts and feelings extremely positive or negative? Are your thoughts accurate? Are they extremely negative due to Cognitive Distortions? Are they extremely positive due to going along with expectations and not being honest with yourself?

Take some time to connect with me through the CONTACT TAB on the website and let me know what would be helpful to read about during this upcoming season. Is there a way that this season could be a little more enjoyable or bearable? Don’t judge yourself for your feelings, be honest with yourself. 

I told ya’ll in the last blog entitled, “How do you handle change?” that I was working on something that was going to cause change in my life. Some known and some unknown. Just know I’m remaining committed to taking the risk. I’m hard at work! Maybe I’ll be sharing some details soon!

Until Next Time Take Care, Darsha D!