THINK ABOUT IT...

Proms, weddings, and high school and college graduations are signals of an ending chapter and a beginning of a new chapter in life.  Many people look back at one or all these events with some sense of nostalgia. While other people would like to never remember them again. The past is the past, right?  Many of us had a disastrous prom, a terrible high school or college experience, or a marriage that ended in pain. I couldn’t wait for my prom so many, many years ago. I had the perfect dress and planned hairstyle. Well disaster struck when I was unable to go to my booked stylist and then it began to RAIN! I remember sitting in my room crying and refusing to get dressed. Looking back, I wish I had enjoyed every single moment and avoided catastrophizing. 

Catastrophizing is an unhealthy thought pattern that exaggerates the negative in a situation, which causes us to look at the situation far worse than it is. Of course, while I was crying, I was thinking everything is ruined. But it wasn’t, I still had the perfect dress, I was still planning on dancing all night long, and yes it was raining but prom wasn’t outside. 

There are so many things to unpack here. These experiences in the spring and summer often have a magical impact on many of us. We have such high expectations for the seasons, the weather is breaking, and the possibilities seem endless compared to the cold, drab winter for many. My question is what if the wedding, the prom, or the graduation was not all sunshine and rainbows? Should we rolodex the memory as terrible or file it in our brain as something to forget? I want to challenge us to think about any part of these experiences that were positive and enjoyable. Maybe it was the wonderful time spent with family and friends at the wedding or all the festivities leading up to the wedding day. Or maybe the high school or college experience was a time of personal growth, making lasting friendships, or clarifying your own values and beliefs from how you were raised. Could prom have been a time to showcase your style and dance moves? Unfortunately, we can miss these positive experiences when we hyper-focus on the fact that the experiences didn’t meet our high and sometimes unrealistic and irrational expectations. 

Let’s go back to catastrophizing. It is considered one of many Cognitive Distortions.  It simply means a way of thinking that is irrational and unhelpful. These distortions or thoughts influence how we perceive our circumstances, how we behave, and can negatively impact our mood. So let me reiterate why catastrophizing is problematic…we miss the beauty of an experience, we miss the memories that could be filed under enjoyable, and we get stuck only being able to celebrate the sunshine and rainbow moments. Life is not always going to be full of sunshine and rainbows and I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to sit back waiting for them before I can enjoy experiences and life. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to sell you the idea that we should deny when things are terrible or disastrous because it happens in life. I’m just offering another perspective to help you enjoy the big and small moments of life a little more.  It might not have been a prom, graduation, or marriage that plagues you with negative thoughts and feelings, but I know if you dig deep enough you can find a milestone moment or an everyday experience that was ruined by catastrophizing. I’m not saying there weren’t some snafus, but snafus are different than disaster and catastrophe. I know it didn’t go perfectly and that’s okay too.

I invite you to sit and think about your moment. Let’s get the negative stuff out the way. Write down all the things that went wrong or how it didn’t meet your expectations on a piece of paper or any electronic device in one column. I know that was easy to do. Now in the next column, reflect again and identify what was enjoyable and positive. Remember it doesn’t have to be all sunshine and rainbows. Let me help you here. My prom experience was horrible because I didn’t have the right stylist, and it was raining. Ohhhh, and my father rented me some kind of black car (so many years ago I can’t remember what kind) and when he went to pick it up it was A RED GRAND AM !!! I wore an all-black dress, and I wanted an all-black car! I didn’t arrive to prom until late, so I didn’t get to show off my dress in an event that was called “The Walk In.” Now this was my fault, because I refused to get dressed. I think I remember getting there and dinner was already over. Now I go over to my other column. I had the perfect black dress; my dad was able to rent a white BMW for me (age 17); don’t judge, I was a little spoiled and a lot of a daddy’s girl. I danced and laughed with my friends. We took a million pictures; I still have some of them. And if I’m being honest, I really didn’t miss too much at prom. Prom was very formal and growing up I was not the princess type girl. What I was really looking forward to was the “After Prom.” After Prom was all about dancing and by the way I still love dancing! Can you hear my excitement and my fond memories coming through? When I slow down and think about the experience of my prom it was not disastrous, it was not ruined! I’m literally smiling, remembering all the fun I had that night as I’m typing. Now look at your two columns, were you able to find some evidence that your moment was not completely disastrous and ruined? I hope so. I challenge you to avoid spending your time hyper-focused on the moments in life that weren’t perfect and then categorizing them as awful…that can surely dampen anyone’s mood. 

Remember this is not about denying that some things went wrong. It is all about choosing to focus on the positive parts of the experience. Shoot I’ll take neutral over terrible and disastrous any day. Tell me what you think. Let me know what your moment was that was originally in the terrible file and by taking some time to reflect you were able to find some positive or enjoyable moments. We will continue to talk about Cognitive Distortions and how our irrational, unhelpful, unrealistic thoughts can keep us from enjoying life. I know what I’m asking you to do might be different than how you usually think, but I wouldn’t ask you to do anything I don’t already do. It might be difficult or downright hard. But remember We Can Do Hard Things! 

Until next time, Take Care,

Darsha D!