Uh-Oh it’s Mother’s Day
Hello again. It’s still Mental Health Awareness Month and I still want to hear from ya’ll out there about how you are celebrating. My clients are telling me about how they are celebrating mental health. They are celebrating by taking care of their own mental health, being a walking talking billboard sharing the benefits of therapy, encouraging family/friends to find a therapist, and wearing green. I love it! I have continued to celebrate by caring for myself, providing support to my clients, and wearing green and mental health shirts. Also, I have a couple of community speaking engagements in about a week so hopefully, we’ll have some new people joining the mental health party. My mom is super supportive of my career, so of course, she is reading all the blogs and watching my moves. I’m so extremely grateful for the mom I have. She is rocking GREEN NAILS! Thank you, mommy!! And I got one gift early; my mom bought me a new pair of green tennis shoes!
By the way, if you are just joining the blog party, go back and read the blog entitled IT'S MAY - MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS MONTH!!! posted on May 1st the first day of Mental Health Awareness month to catch up. I challenged everyone for the month of May. Keep letting me know how ya’ll meeting the challenge by using the Contact tab.
Now back to Moms. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! Although I love celebrating Mother’s Day due to the mom I have and the mom I try to be, I recognize that this weekend is not easy for everyone. We often forget that this weekend can be difficult for many people for various reasons. Obviously, this weekend can be extremely hard for people who mothers’ have died, and other people dread this weekend because of the relationship they have with their mom or the lack of relationship they have with their mother. And there are mothers who struggle with this weekend because of their own relationships with their children. I can’t imagine the pain and please do not allow anyone to minimize the pain you might be experiencing. Your feelings are valid!
I can’t even count the number of times clients have come to therapy because of relationship issues with their mother due to pain caused by their mothers. Now moms don’t come for me…I’m a mom too. THIS IS NOT A MOM BASHING MOMENT! I recognize the positive and negative impact our mothers can have on us and there can be many issues to resolve and relationships to be mended. Also, we get to a point in therapy when we get to the “What’s next question?” Now remember I am a mom, and I have a mom (and we are human, so we have our moments), so I am absolutely sensitive to mother relationship concerns. Also, know that we are ultimately responsible for our own well-being. I’m a therapist, of course, I love reconciliation and mended relationships if they are healthy. I know the endless benefits of healthy parental relationships.
CURRENT CONFLICT? If you have a current conflict with your mother or your relationship is estranged, I want you to ask yourself a couple questions. Ask yourself why? Has your mother done something unforgivable? I can’t tell you what’s unforgivable, but unforgivable is not the same as being hurt. Let’s be honest, we all have hurt someone we love whether intentional or unintentional. We tend to put mothers on a pedestal…mothers are not perfect. We make huge mistakes and cause pain. Remember even if you think we are an immortal superhero we still have flaws. I am a self-proclaimed Wonder Woman but I'm still not perfect and I get tired. I’d be remiss, if I didn’t pause to say, “Thank you for thinking so highly of us.” But let me help you, we can’t meet that expectation every time.
If your mother has committed an unforgiveable action, I challenge you to consider forgiving even if reconciliation is not possible or desired. I’ve heard many, many times of unforgiveness being described as such, unforgiveness is like me taking poison expecting someone else to be hurt. We hurt ourselves tremendously by unforgiveness, because we can become so consumed by the hurt that we get stuck and it stumps our own growth. I am not minimizing your pain or dismissing the intense impact of your mother’s action(s)! What I am doing is challenging you to care for yourself through forgiveness. Please, please don’t voluntarily take the poison…repeatedly.
Now you might say, my relationship with my mother is not that intense, but we definitely have some stuff. I admit moms can be busy bodies, but often it is because we care, haha, and we just want the best for you. And even with that sentiment, boundaries are vital in relationships. Yes, boundaries with mothers, even if it is a healthy relationship. All healthy relationships have boundaries. Stay tuned I will definitely have a post or two or three about boundaries. I’m serious about boundaries; I know how they can make or break a relationship. I invite you to think about how you can improve your relationship with your mother. Is it a communication issue? Boundaries needed? Or is it unrealistic expectations? Maybe you need to teach your mom who you are now. No matter what moms say we do not know you better than you know yourself. Share with your mom who you are now and what you need and want from her now and in your relationship. What a wonderful gift for you and your mom - improving your relationship. I don’t want anyone to live with regrets. Don’t let things go unsaid, don’t let minor issues escalate to division.
You might be saying, “Me and mom are good,” well that’s awesome. How do you make sure that your relationship remains good? As we go through different life stages and transitions, often our relationships need to adjust. That is not a bad thing, just a reality of life. It’s much easier to be proactive than reactive. Is there something new coming up, like a baby, a move across the country, a marriage, or a new demanding job that will cut into the time you will be able to spend with your mother? Why not talk about those things now? Figure out how you both will manage the changes to ensure your relationship endures and thrives during the changes. Nothing on the horizon that has the potential to cause some change in your relationship, then I challenge you to celebrate and enjoy your mom and enjoy being a mom!
For my people out here struggling because Mother’s Day is a time of grief; my heart goes out to you. Please be kind to yourself. I understand no one will ever take the place of your mom, but please seek support from your tribe. It might be that the weekend is too overwhelming, and you want to hide for the weekend, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. Just be careful that in your hiding it doesn’t turn into isolation. Take a break from the day, avoid the celebrations if you like and then I encourage you to re-emerge from your hiding and lean into your tribe. Maybe this Mother’s Day you engage in an activity that honors your mother. You decide how to honor your mom. In your honoring activity/moment tears might come but that’s okay. Moms hold special places in our hearts, of course there is pain. Your loss might have been last month, last year, or many years ago and you still have pain that can’t be described, or you feel it in your heart and stomach and that’s okay too. Tears might flow as you smile thinking of the beautiful memories you created with your mom. My heart goes out to you!
If the pain you are experiencing seems unbearable or you know you are engaging in behaviors that are unhelpful or your thoughts are consumed, maybe it’s time to seek out therapy. If you already have a therapist, I encourage you to schedule a session and let your therapist know how you are being impacted.
No matter how you are experiencing this Mother’s Day weekend, Take Care! If you are considering taking on the challenge of doing something for Mental Health Awareness Month and the something is finally or again trying to resolve issues with your mother; I’m excited for you! It might be hard but Remember We Can Do Hard Things!