Why SHOULD I?

Thanksgiving is this week. HOW ARE YOU FEELING? I hope the last three blogs have been helpful in getting you ready to navigate the holiday season. Heads up this blog is intentionally shorter. I have things I need to do and one of them is to relax!

YES, I NEED TO RELAX!

Cognitive Distortion - SHOULD. The should statements are standards applied to yourself, others, and life in general. Often there is no basis for the standards and there are no exceptions or deviations from the standards. When there are no allowed exceptions and the standard can’t be met, it can lead to guilt, feeling inadequate, judgmental behavior, and unrealistic expectations.

Here are some examples: 

I should maintain my routine every day.

I should be able to manage my emotions all the time.

I should not make mistakes. 

I should not need any help.

I should clean my entire house every Saturday. 

Can you think of any potential exceptions to the statements above? I can. You see how rigid SHOULD STATEMENTS can be? When I hear these types of statements, I always have questions. 

What is the basis of statement?

How was it determined that it applies to you? 

How do you benefit from the statement?

What is the consequence if the standard in the statement is not met?

Why do you adhere to it?

Can you consider some exceptions?

If you do not ask and answer any of those questions, at least ask yourself “WHY SHOULD I?”

Why should I go to every holiday party?

Why should I decorate the outside of my house?

Why should I send Christmas cards to my family?

Why should I have turkey for Thanksgiving?

Why should I do everything that everyone wants me to do?

We talked about expectations in the previous blog (Expectations & Assumptions) dated November 13, 2025. Remember expectations can cause undue pressure and be unrealistic. What pressure are you putting on yourself by the SHOULD statements? Are the SHOULD statements realistic? If you are being honest with yourself, do the SHOULD statements really matter? Imagine this…eliminating some of the SHOULD statements (tasks). What time and energy would you have to engage in something you really want to do?

I understand the importance of rituals and traditions AND I know all of them are not created equal. Getting together with the family to celebrate the holiday might be what has been done in your family for years. Great, I hope you enjoy it! Let me ask you this…Does everybody have to wear green to the gathering for it to be enjoyable? Is wearing green as important as getting together? Is it causing undue stress or even conflict because one person refuses to wear green? I challenge you to consider the purpose and meaning of traditions and rituals and then determine if there is space to make adjustments.

One of our family traditions is to start watching Christmas movies together after Thanksgiving - yes that is the rule - after Thanksgiving! And guess what, we deviated one time this year and watched a couple of Christmas movies in October...and nothing happened! But it is a rule unless there are extenuating circumstances, hahah! The tradition is all about spending time together. We fuss about how the silly misunderstandings could have been avoided, criticize and re-write the movie for a realistic spin, point out the poor decisions and parenting, and enjoy the nostalgia. We slow down, laugh, and enjoy the moment! That is what matters to us and that is what makes it important! CHRISTMAS MOVIES FOR LIFE! We've done a lot of fun (and not so fun) things over the years. Some stuck, some didn't and it's not a big deal. We make room for the things that matter to us even if it's silly to other people. 

Pause. What traditions or rituals matter the most? Why? If you can’t come up with a reason why it might be time to reconsider how you spend your time. We are allowed to change our mind and do something different. If there is no longer a benefit or enjoyment that is gained from it…replace it with something OR NOT!

That’s it, that’s all I got for ya’ll! Think about why you are doing the things you do and then based on your answers, act accordingly. Initially, it might seem very difficult to change your mind and behavior but remember WE CAN DO HARD THINGS!

Here's the latest video on YouTube!

         www.youtube.com/@darshadclarktherapist

Until next time, Take Care,

Darsha D!