Whose Responsibility? Boundaries Part 2
If you haven’t read The Big B word - Boundaries Part 1, please read that first.
Here are some things to remember about boundaries:
1. They protect you and your relationships.
2. They are not punishment or mean.
3. They are a form of self-care.
4. Saying no to yourself and others is a boundary.
5. All healthy relationships have boundaries.
When you begin to think about boundary setting, stay focused on the purpose. What do you hope to achieve with the boundary?
Here are a few examples to consider:
1. I will only allow my child to participate in one sport at a time.
a) It prevents me from running around every evening after work.
b) It allows me to spend time unwinding on some weekdays versus rushing home to eat and go to bed because there is no time left in the day.
c) It allows me to have some ME TIME on the weekend versus running to multiple practices and games all weekend long.
2. I will take at least a week to think about a potential commitment (e.g., volunteering, event planning) before saying yes.
a) It gives me time to think about the pros and cons and avoids impulsive decision making.
b) It gives me time to determine if I would enjoy being involved or if I feel pressured or obligated to be involved.
c) It allows me to experience my week with current commitments to determine if I really have time to add another activity.
3. I will not allow unannounced visitors at my home during the week.
a) It prevents me from getting out of my workweek routine.
b) It gives me the opportunity to decide if I have the capacity or desire to have visitors.
c) It gives me a sense of control over my home environment.
Reflection Time
Think about your life (professional and personal). What areas of your life could benefit from boundaries? Write/type out a couple of boundaries and the purpose.
Now that the boundaries and purpose have been identified, next who do you need to communicate with about these boundaries? Yes, often, our boundaries need to be communicated. There’s nothing worse than being expected to respect a boundary that you don’t even know about. If I do not tell people about the boundary of not accepting unexpected visitors at my home and they show up and I react less than kind…then I am the problem in this scenario. Boundaries are not common sense or common knowledge. Everyone is different and has different perspectives. There are people out in the world who enjoy unexpected visitors (Not me!). Bottom line: don’t make assumptions that people know your boundaries. Assumptions cause unnecessary conflict.
You can decide based on your relationship if you share the purpose of your boundary. It might be helpful for close friends/family members to know why the boundary is important to you. My only caution is to stand firm on the boundary. When communicating boundaries, it is not you asking for permission you are simply informing. Not a debate!
You set the boundary, your responsibility to maintain. Everyone will not like or understand your boundary. That’s why it’s important for you to be clear about the purpose and importance of your boundary. Sometimes, when people do not understand the boundary, they will push against the boundary. If you allow this, then before long there will be no boundary. Changing your behavior is hard and that’s exactly what you are beginning to do when you set boundaries. Maintaining boundaries require consistency. When boundaries are pushed against, communication and reinforcement of boundaries are necessary.
Identifying the consequences of boundary violations can be the hardest part. The consequences can vary but remember it is not about punishment. The DND on my phone began because some people couldn’t remember or refused to abide by my time deadline. The consequence was putting the DND on so I couldn’t be disturbed. Reflect on your boundary. What is the potential consequence if your boundary is not respected?
Here are some examples:
If you do not speak to me kindly, I will end the conversation.
If you do not care for my belongings, you will no longer have access to them.
If you do not express and demonstrate appreciation for my assistance, my assistance will be limited.
One thing to consider when identifying consequences, are you willing to enforce the consequences? Boundaries “don’t work” if they are not maintained and there are no consequences for the violation of boundaries. Okay, I know this is hard, but remember We Can Do Hard Things! Learning new things require practice. Keep practicing.
Check out the YouTube Boundary videos series:
Boundaries Part 3 – Your Responsibility
Remember you can follow me on YouTube and Facebook for more mental health tips! Visit my author website to learn more about my book, Adventures in Love, and to subscribe to receive blogs and Thoughtful Notes to your email. Thoughtful Notes are very short “notes” to encourage self-reflection on an array of topics, such as relationships, self-awareness, and mental health and to provide tips to help with living well.